When the 2003 NFL schedule came out months ago we all circled Week 9. Sunday, November 2, 2003 would be a day without Bills football. A day to reacquaint yourself with the joys of yards work, home repair, shopping or even family members you may have forgotten about for the past 8 weeks (I barely recognized my wife – she looks different than when I last saw her in September).
Maybe it’s a good thing that a team like the Bills, struggling to find their identity as a team, had some time to reflect upon the first half of the season and figure out how to come out strong down the stretch. It was also a good thing for anyone who knows or cares about obsessive Bills fans – this would be a week without yelling, swearing, throwing things at the TV and drinking heavily. Indeed, some of us would even venture out from the TV den to discover that the entire world does not stop on a Sunday (unless you’re in New Jersey – then everything does shut down on Sunday).
The bye week certainly is not a good thing to rabid Bills fans. For good or for bad, watching the Bills on Sunday afternoon has become a drug for many of us, and this week were without our fix. They may not always win, but Bills football is the nectar of life itself (wow – I’m actually scaring myself now – what kind of junkie makes a crazy statement like that? You know who you are).
I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a list of things you can do to help pass the time until the Bills take the field again. My lawyers have advised me to make the following disclaimers before I give my suggestions:
“The following list contains items that may be illegal, immoral or just plain crazy. The author assumes no liability for the actions of his readers. The views expressed in this document do not express the thoughts of any rational person. Follow the suggestions of others at your own risk. Bills Daily, its owner and employees assume no responsibility for any acts committed as a result to this article. This article not valid in AK, HI, NE or RI. No purchase necessary. Smoking may cause disease. Professional driver on closed course – do not attempt. Offer valid only at participating stores. May cause abdominal distension. Do not take if being tread with MAOIs. Void where prohibited.”
- Start a petition urging Tom Donahoe to read petitions
- Research insurance rates for Drew Bledsoe – make sure he is sufficiently covered for disability and accidental death and dismemberment
- Spend some time reading the “Where’s Big Mike?” series of books to your children (they’re just like the “Where’s Waldo?” books except you have to find a 350lb tackle in various illustrations – kids love that)
- Plant AstroPlay in your yard and watch it grow
- Resolve to tryout for the Bills offensive line next season – you can get to 300lbs by mini-camp if you dig into all the leftover Halloween candy now
- Calculate how much money per interception Lawyer Milloy gets paid (Excel gave me a “Div/0!” error, but I never was very good at math)
- Throw a retro 90’s party – break out the Kelly, Thomas, Smith and Reed jerseys and watch old games on tape (just don’t tell the NFL you have game tapes – unless you have the express written permission on the Buffalo Bills and the National Football League you’re in danger of going to the Big House for the rest of your life)
- Journey to Tennessee and refuse to leave the Coliseum until the NFL acknowledges it was a forward pass
- Scan the want ads for jobs that might suit Rob Johnson – he could use your help finding a professional surfing gig or something that pays by the sack
- Send old news clipping to Drew Brees in San Diego – let him know what’s in store for him as the backup to Doug Flutie
- Make a Gregg Williams voodoo doll, make it talk to the media about play calling and other unspeakable things
- See a hypnotherapist and become trained to feel calm and happy when you hear the phases, “we just need to make plays” or “we need to execute better” rather than flying into a rage or vomiting like you do now
- Dress up like Buddy Ryan, stalk Kevin Gilbride and haul off and punch him in the nose when he doesn’t expect it. When arrested, tell police you were just trying to have an authentic Halloween costume and you didn’t realize Halloween was days ago
- Find a cure for cancer, or at least, Jimmy Johnson’s hair
- Try to figure out how a guy with a drug problem, a weak command of the English language, the fashion sense of a pimp and a penchant stabbing people neck with scissors when he isn’t first in line for a haircut can be a highly-paid analyst for ESPN
- Write Rush Limbaugh a letter suggesting that he start dressing like a pimp and stabbing people with scissors when he gets out of rehab if he wants a shot at getting his job back – he’s already got the drug thing covered
- Help Chris Hanson make his home safe – remove all sharp objects including axes and hide the fondue pot
- Write a computer virus that will cripple corporate America by taking control of computers to vote for the Bills at the Campbell’s Chunky Soup website (is anything more satisfying than being the soup champion of the NFL?)
- Have a baked good sale to help send Gregg Williams to the Bill Belichick School for Coaching (side trip to adjacent 4-leaf clover field optional)
- Challenge a buddy to a contest to see who can go longer without slitting their wrists when forced to listen to a Nascar race on the radio
- Make a list of all the trades Buffalo can make for Travis Henry when Willis McGahee rushes for 1000 yards and the Rookie of the Year honors over the last 8 games of the season. Make sure to be realistic – we should be able to get a top 10 draft pick, a third round pick AND a Pro-Bowl player for him
- Search Ralph Wilson Stadium for Drew Bledsoe’s mojo – they must keep it at the stadium somewhere and they certainly don’t let it travel to away games
- Develop an anti-aging potion for Ralph Wilson – God help us if this class act leaves us (note: this is not the same thing as freezing Ted Williams’ head)
- Relax, gather your thoughts and energies and prepare to cheer for what will hopefully be a better second half Buffalo Bills team