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The Bills Get Into the Halloween Spirit
This team is a real life house of horrors
by Tony Bogyo
October 31, 2003

The Buffalo Bills have embraced this Halloween season in a big way. Because the team cares deeply about you, the fan, they have decided to forgo the usual “Trick-or-Treat” festivities and have instead opted for a full-blown house of horrors with costume party to follow.

The House of Horrors

It’s been 6 weeks in the making (we started in week 3)! Come see a team playing well below their capabilities week after week!

The Dead Zone (a tribute to the offense)

In the offensive side of the house you’ll see a group that scored 69 points in the first 2 weeks transform to a unit that has scored only 74 in the full 6 games since! You’ll delight to the terror of an offensive line ghoulishly manhandled by lesser units like the Bengals. This group has averaged 3.5 sacks per game – spooky! Groan with pain as you see the imbalance of the offensive play calling – passing almost 60% of the time! This group has run for an anemic 87 yards per game – but who can blame them! Feel the pain of going 3-and-out almost 6 times per game on average! The 2.8 turnovers per game will have you shivering with terror. If you want terror, you’ve come to the right place!

The Torture Chamber (a tribute to the defense)

On the defensive section of our house of horrors you’ll thrill to the spine tingling fright of a vastly overpaid and overrated unit! Writhe in pain as you think about all the money that’s been spent on a number of big name players who are big in name only! Scream in terror as you think about your playoff dreams being crushed by a unit that has allowed 131 points in the last 6 weeks! Remember that this group has only garnered 8 sacks in the last 6 games – horrific! With only 6 turnovers created in 6 weeks you’ll realize the promise of getting more turnovers this season will vanish like a ghost before your very eyes!

The Pit of Despair (a tribute to the coaching staff)

If you think you’ve seen scary you’re dead wrong unless you’ve seen Gregg Williams coach this team into the ground! Week after week the team isn’t ready to play and gets blown out – especially on national TV! You’ll see a man who considers himself a disciplinarian allow the team to average more than 7 penalties for 65 yards a game – scary! Scarier still is that the team has been flagged for having too many men in the huddle on the first drive of the game – twice! Trick plays blow up for horrific outcomes and gutless play calling fails miserably while showing no confidence in the players – does it get more painful than that?

Yes indeed – this is one house of horrors you won’t want to miss – we’ve tried really hard to make it as scary as we can – happy nightmares!

The Bills Costume Party

On Halloween night the Bills will throw their first annual costume party. Join the team, coaches and front office personnel as we gather for a costume party you’ll never forget. Best costume gets a free golf trip with a player of their choice on the Monday immediately following week 17 of the season.

Here are just a few of the costumes you’ll see:

Drew Bledsoe: Drew will wear both home and away costumes. His home costume will be Atlas, symbolically carrying the weight of the team on his own shoulders. His away costume will be Rob Johnson – making poor reads, getting sacked after holding onto the ball too long and generally looking like a deer in the headlights.

Mike Williams: The Invisible Man. Where is he? The first person to find Big Mike wins 3421 cans of Chunky Soup. (Note: this costume will count $6.8 million towards the salary cap).

The Offensive Line: New York City Subway turnstiles – they might slow you down a step as you make your way towards the quarterback, but it’s essentially a straight line to get there. Every 5th time you go through you’ll be held.

The Secondary: Half the unit will come as burn victims and the other half will come as burnt toast.

Lawyer Milloy: Haley’s Comet. Impressive when it can be seen, but that’s only once every 76 years. The rest of the time you don’t even know it’s there.

Sam Adams: The Blob. Fresh out the old school horror movie of the same name, it’s a big blob of Jell-o! It’s big, but only mildly intimidating. Run away from it and you’ll be OK.

Gregg Williams: Wile E. Coyote, Super-Genius. There’s just no telling this guy he’s not the most intelligent guy out there – he knows he’s much more clever than the rest of us. Funny how all of his schemes seem to go awry. (This costume sponsored by Acme).

Tom Donahoe: An ostrich. Bury your head in the sand when the fans call for change – you know you’re right. Gregg Williams is a good coach. The Bills are only 4-4 and can still make the playoffs. It’s gut check time – this team obviously has the character to rise up and go undefeated in the second half of the season.. (This costume sponsored by GreenPeace – why kill a tree to make a petition nobody will read or care about?)

Happy Halloween – Maybe Your Nightmares Will Stop Next Week!

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