For the first time since Jim Kelly quit the USFL, Christmas has arrived before the snow in Buffalo.
Not four days ago, I was reluctantly rationalizing with myself.
“Sure, the Bills might drop the opener, start off in a hole and feed the monkey on Drew Bledsoe’s back,” I thought, “but there is no reason to get worried. It is only Week One. They’ll gel as the season progresses, and they’ll get the Patriots in December.”
Then it donned on me, I was hopelessly lying to myself. Starting off 0-1 within the league’s most contested division could really hamstring the rest of Buffalo’s season and playoff hopes.
I started going into panic mode. I began kicking around in my head a million possibilities of how the Patriots could mess up and somehow allow the Bills to get the upper hand. I never wish injuries on anyone, so I came up with less painful ways to keep even just one of the New England’s most talents players off the field.
Hmm. maybe the one or two of them would sail out of Boston harbor on a whale-watching excursion Saturday morning. Then, a blackout could occur, and the police would lock down the harbor. No lights, no incoming ships, no Bledsoe sacking. Nah, the Pats would all be in Buffalo Saturday. Maybe some trusting soul would go on a tour in the tunnels behind Niagara Falls. Another blackout (maybe intentionally sparked by a diehard fan working on the Niagara power plant), and bingo, Rosevelt Colvin, Tom Brady and Ty Law are roaming wet caves in cheap yellow ponchos until the fourth quarter.
I even thought about Lawyer Milloy, but I knew the guy has played in every game the past several seasons. He’d find an old wooden barrel in them there tunnels, ride down the falls and swim ashore. No chance he’d be anywhere but at Orchard Park Sunday. At least I was right about that.
Knowing my plan was stretching reality a wee-bit, I placed all my hopes on a classic wagon-circling event. However, I wasn’t too optimistic. Ted Washington could eat a wagon if he needed to, or so I’ve heard.
Then Santa (a.k.a. Bill Belichick-we at least have to love his first name) came sliding down the goal posts. Only, instead of doing his job and spreading joy throughout “Bean Town,” he delivered a giant present to the people of the land of “real” chicken wings.
Milloy, whose first name is being used in way too many pun-laden headlines, was sent packing. As we all know by now, the four-time Pro Bowler headed due west and picked the Bills over several other vying teams.
Before the janitors at Foxborough could dry the tear-flooded locker room, Milloy signed with one of New England’s biggest rivals. Bostonians, who still haven’t recovered from losing Drew to the Buffalo, now have to suffer through watching another one of their most loved players lineup against the Pats.
Meanwhile, at Ralph Wilson Stadium, the mood was a bit lighter. Drew is back with, as he described Milloy, the “best teammate you could have.”
I sure hope, and fully expect that Milloy will be sitting down with his new coaching staff and spill his guts about all the game planning the Pats did during the offseason. Keep in mind, Milloy is no Martha Stewart-insider trading is legal in the NFL.
Now that the impossible has happened, I’ve really got some visions dancing in my head.
Here’s what I see: Fourth quarter, all tied up, about four minutes left on the clock…Bledsoe back to pass, he sees an opening, he lets it fly, touchdown! Bledsoe to Moulds. He beat double-rookie-coverage!…The Bills are up by seven with just under four minutes to go. The announcers announce, “Boy, I don’t think Moulds would have been so wide-open if Lawyer Milloy was still a Patriot.”…Here comes Brady to try a comeback…Brady to pass from the Bill’s 30…no one’s open…here comes big Sam Adams, rumbling, stumbling, oh, Brady lets it go, toward the endzone, interception! “Lawyer Milloy has picked it off, that will do it here in Buffalo. The Bills will start off the season 1 and 0.”
Now, that’s what I’m talking about. Thanks Santa Belichick! The Christmas card is in the mail.
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